Category Archives: guilt

Caught between an Axe and a Chainsaw

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After living here in New Zealand for 4 years you would THINK that I would be used to being home sick.  NOPE Not even a tiny bit!   Our first year here was filled with so many exciting firsts it was hard to keep up!  Our new house, the girls new school, new foods, new treats, new cars NEW NEW NEW NEW.  But the one thing that I wasn’t prepared at all for was the new ache in my heart that would never go away.

We have experienced many firsts here in New Zealand;  it’s a culturally rich country.  I really enjoy learning about and discovering it’s rich history.  I love being here and experiencing all there is to offer.  I am a GEEK and we live IN the country that Lord of the Rings was FILMED. Eeeee. I can’t even believe it sometimes….I’ve been to the Shire insert crazy Happy Dance! AHHHHHMAYZING you seriously need to go if you come to New Zealand. The ocean is a 15 minute drive from our house as compared to the TWO DAY TREK Back home; we have the AMAZING Mount Taranaki IMGP8300IN my   back garden.  The scenery is breathtaking, lush and green all year-long (it rains a LOT) there are beautiful trees, flowers, birds, rivers and when you go tramping…aka hiking NOTHING can eat you!   BUT there is always going to be an ache in my heart for home. Now I  also have cause to believe that there will be an ache in my heart for New Zealand IF we were to move home.  Recently I have been calling this the caught between an Axe and a Chainsaw situation.

When ever there was a family event I was that member of the family you just knew was going to be there along with my own wee family, my Little Blonde girls and Hubby in tow.  We never missed an occasion to gather with my amazing Fam Jam!  Weddings, Anniversaries, Birthdays, Baby showers, BBQ’s, Family Reunions, Funerals, you name it I was there. Lending a hand doing anything I could to help, oh and lets not forget eating everything I could.  So being here brought yet another new thing to me, I missed these things.  The first major event I missed was my Grandparents anniversary, their 50th.  I was heartbroken.  Yes I was able to be carried around on a laptop via Skype; SO in a sense I was there; teee heee hee I freaked out some of the oldies not up on technology.  It was funny, but it hurt not being able to physically be there.  This was just beginning of the things I would miss out on.  BUT it’s all part of being over seas.  Being away from your home, this was my choice and ironically I would choose to do it again.

Now I am an only child so when the decision to move here was made I have to say that I broke my poor Fathers heart!  He didn’t speak to me for a few weeks, now for a girl who called  home almost every day this was HUGE. I would call home and talk to my Momma and ask if was Dad was there…”Yup” She would say….Does he wanna talk “Nope”  gahhhhh I felt AWFUL!  I had been warning my parents this was coming for years but I don’t think that they realised I would actually do it.  BUT surprise I did.  They raised me to follow my heart and go for what I wanted….I don’t think they were fully prepared for what was going to happen; neither was I truthfully!

Now on the only child note I was so scared that something would eventually happen to my parents so I made a call to my amazing cousin to ask her to be my goto girl if something happened.  NOW I was thinking that in like 20 years I would have to use this OR maybe 10-15at the earliest. BUT NOPE 2 years after moving here my Mom suddenly took ill and was gone in a matter of days.  I had to make that call, and my girl was packed and IN the car with in Minutes for me!  This was devastation like I have never experienced in my life.  This SUCKED!  I was on the other side of the world and had to get home NOW!  And NOW means the quickest I could get home was 29 hours… I made it back in time to say Goodbye but my lord that was a hard few weeks.  Plane rides, jettlag funerals all in two weeks, that felt more like 48 hours; and I found a strength I had NO idea I had….I will blog more about this soon.

Since then so much has changed back home, Aunties having strokes, grandparents going into homes.  My Dad had a quadruple bypass shortly after Mom died….SHIT GOT REAL! ALL of which I had to MISS! Now who truly wants to be around for things like that anyway…ME;  I do. It’s weird I know but I LIKE to be there for stuff like that, BUT I had to be here.  Not offer any real support, cook the food, pour the tea, pace the halls, pack the boxes…I wasn’t able to help the people in my life who really needed me.  Was I a text on a screen YES at any hour of the day…BUT for me It was and IS truly AWFUL! See what I mean Axe and a Chainsaw.

Newest and latest development…my Dad; Yup Mr Quadruple bypass has Cancer…as he puts it ASS Cancer.  This will give him material for his toilet humor for YEARS!! Anyway…Stage 3 Colon cancer….god that’s hard to even type. He’s started treatments…and I am here. On the other side of the world. YES I am a text message/phone call away THANK GAWD for technology that’s all I have to say!  Yes; get on a plane and go home…I am; but it’s not that simple.  He’s in for a long road of treatment, so I can’t just go home for all of  it; as much as I want to I simply can’t.  SO I am going home for the surgery, and staying to help after with the recovery…see axe and a chainsaw.  I wanted to be home for it all…BUT it’s about 4-5 months of treatments. I have Those young Blonde girls who need me here….Adulting SUCKS!  {Please don’t judge my parenting… I am a wonderful mom and have and will continue to do everything I can for my girls}

This week has been particularly difficult, I don’t know if it’s Mother’s Day looming, the full moon, OR the rain…Have I mentioned that it rains a lot.  BUT I was so ready to just pack everything into suitcases and move home. Being here SUCKS sometimes it really truly SUCKS.  BUT I have to sit back AND…BREATH….in AND out….IN and OUT…and really LOOK at what’s happening.  Do I love New Zealand? Yes!!!! Did I want to move back, before I knew about Dad’s cancer?  NO!  As a matter of fact we discussed that very topic not long before we found out and said “we will probably never move home” BUT add some Cancer VOILA lets PACK OUR SHIT and get the F on a plane….NO NO AND NO!  I can’t do that.  Sometimes I can be a sane person…NOT often that’s where my Hubby comes in he is the calm rational one.

I am HOME ….Here?YUP it’s true…New Zealand is the new HOME!  I even referred to here as HOME in a text to my Dad the other day and freaked my self out!!! I litterally FOUND ME in New Zealand; I remember getting off the plane, and feeling a HUGE surge of energy rush through me into the ground when we landed.  I knew I was home! I knew I had come to where my soul needed to be.  I remember telling my Mom that on the phone shortly after arriving she was heartbroken all over again.  I moved to New Zealand to become my TRUE self.  I am still on a journey and sometimes everyday I turn about 70 new corners, but with each new twist and turn I uncover a new and wonderful piece of myself.  I LOVE where I live, I miss where I grew my roots, but I now have a new HOME and it’s New Zealand…sigh….Bitter Sweetness in it’s truest from…Adulting is hard!

Sooooo now we know the new saying Caught between an Axe and a Chainsaw; ’cause rock and a hard place just doesn’t cut it!

Love ya Peeps

Crystal 

Balance means learning to say No :-(

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We all want “IT” we all seek “IT” we all wish we had “IT”. What is “IT”?  Balance of course… BUT the truth is I don’t think there really is a “balance” how do you balance so much stuff on one plate. I used to say that I was amazed that my little Tea Saucer could hold a Turkey Platter full of “stuff” well the truth is. It didn’t;  well it did to a certain point but something had to suffer. We strive to have it all, the career, the kids, be the amazing wife, the happy home, the clean home, the home-made cookies. But the fact is we can’t have it all we sure can try; but I don’t think it can happen. We always in the end feeling like some where down the line we have let some one down, forgot something OR we just live on pure caffeine so we can do it all. We stress ourselves out so much about the balance…What is the balance? What is the “perfect life”? Is it the life where we all paste on smiles and pretend like it’s ok?

Or is the one where the Mom has on the apron and makes sure every one is taken care of; everything is perfect and couldn’t be better!?

All I am saying is that no matter what your role is we are our own worst enemy! It’s true! We say YES I can bake 24 cupcakes for the school baking…you need them when? Tomorrow!!!!???!! 😦 NO Problem! 🙂 We say, YES I can volunteer on my ONLY day off in the last 3 weeks. Ya the one where I had hoped to do something for myself like I dunno take a long bath with NO ONE KNOCKING AT THE DOOR! Or Poking their fingers underneath, like you are the last person on the planet and they NEED to see you RIGHT now for fear that you are going to get drained out their life for ever with the bath water and they will NEVER EVER SEE YOU AGAIN! BUT Yes I would love to give up my free day! As Mothers and wives and women we do these thing; we do them for so many reasons.

  1. We love our children more than life itself; if you ever doubt this think of how you felt the last time they came home from school having a bad day. Your heart broke for them you were shattered and you would gladly go to school and shatter who ever has hurt your child. SEE LOVE! Do we want strangle them ourselves…sometimes daily! BUT We love ’em!
  2. We want our children to have the everything! We want them to look back at growing up and say WOW life was good back then…can I go back and be a kid again.
  3. Our job is to teach them how to do the right thing to teach them to be selfless, even when we want to be selfish, to give freely to others, to help others in the their time of need even it that means staying up until midnight baking cupcakes. We are making positive impressions on our kids.

This is not meant to add pressure onto the already over pressured Moms! But more of a lets step back and look; would someone else bake the cupcakes, most likely so do we HAVE To say yes every time NO we don’t, ya look there is that word NO…we find it almost impossible to utter it as Women because WE ARE SUPER WOMEN AND WE CAN DO IT ALL!!! Yes we are; and yes we can. We do it all for everyone else, and sometimes forget about our selves. Which is where the balance thing falls to pieces! We give, give, give, yes, yes, yes, ourselves into an absolute shattered mess some days! We have to learn that word NO we can say it to our children with ease…well I can! We can say it the annoying telephone person trying to tell you your computer is about to crash! BUT when someone asks us to help them out, volunteer and so on we say YES I can do that! Even though we are thinking this…. I don’t know how because I have to pick up the kids, take them to the sport activity, pick up the dry cleaning, feed the kids cause they are FAMISHED and will soon DIE if they don’t eat NOW, then drop off the cat and pick up the dry cleaning….or was it pick up the cat and drop off the dry cleaning. Take the kids home say HI to husband. BUT yes once I have done all that I can swing by and do that thing. Then I will rush home put the kids to bed. After all the rushing you oooooze into the house completely shattered, pour your self a NICE glass/bottle of wine go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Weekends are no longer for resting! These are filled with activities, sports, dance competitions, tournaments, busy busy busy, DIY home projects or just home projects that will prevent the home from falling apart!

THE point is we are all BUSY it’s crazy;  the pressure that is put on us. Some of it is from our selves some from society but the pressure is there. I felt it back home, but I  feel it here.  Not nearly as much as I did back in Canada but I am certain that is because I am home and I am able to do all the things that I want with the kids.  I can be the Yes person at the school I can be the last-minute cupcake mom. BUT again there has to be a balance. I lost sight of this balance for quite some time, but now my peeps it’s time for me to take it back.  So if you are a member of my community you will hear the word NO come from my mouth, please don’t faint. I am not doing it to offend you, I am on a mission to be ME.  A healthy balanced me that I was before children; which I refer to as B.C 🙂

Thanks for reading and don’t forget to BREATH and it’s ok to say NO!!!

Tupperware, and girl friends

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OK SO here is some HUGE NEWS I went out for a girls night!!! YUP After supper, ALONE,no kids with OTHER grown up ladies!!! Woo HOO I went to a…are you ready… a TUPPERWARE Party! YES you read it correct Tupperware party! And NO Tupperware is NOT code for something else, it is was an honest to goodness Tupperware party! It was so much fun,  I sooooo needed a night out with some girls, we laughed until I snorted and just a had a great time.  I met some very fun ladies and we just had a good time!  Thank you to my Cupcake girl who took me out for a night on the town, I was out passed 8:00pm ON A SCHOOL NIGHT!! It was so good for the soul.  Being able to go out with my friends back home and have a good laugh was just part of weekly/daily life, whether that was a quick coffee with a neighbour or a coffee with a bff or a night out with a bunch of friends we had some laughs and it always rejuvenated my soul. We have been here for almost 4 months; HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER WE HAVE BEEN HERE FOR 4 MONTHS wowsers time flies; OK where was before that shiny thing swooped in and distracted me…OH yes Last night was the first time I have done something for me, and as selfish as this may sound I LIKED IT! It felt so good to fill up that part of my bucket!  There is just something about a girl laugh with girls that makes you feel so much better about things.  NOW don’t get me wrong all is and was good but now it us just that much better! I think of those ladies I met last night there are for some that we will get together soon, and lots more laughs and gatherings to follow. SOME OF THEM are heading off for vacation in the next few days and weeks FOR a few weeks lucky gals BUT we already have plans of get together when they return! Just the other day I was Facetiming with my besties back home and felt this overwhelming sense of LONELINESS when I got off the Ipad, it was unlike anything I have ever felt before! I have such amazing and wonderful friends back home that it just makes me sad to know that we will only see each other via facetime or skype for the next couple years BUT these gals are the type of women who if we don’t speak for days/weeks/months it’s like nothing has ever changed and we just pick right back up where we left off.  It is just a wonderful thing and I love them to bits!

OK so I mentioned that it felt good to fill that part of my bucket.  I had come to the conclusion awhile ago that my bucket; and think it is true for lots of women; we have buckets with different compartments. Mine consists of Family, husband, me and friends.  Before I left home I tried to fill up my friend compartment as FULL as I could get cause I knew that it would be  a while until I found some friends that do this for me. NOW  My Family, Husband and ME compartment of my bucket was doing quite well here, but the friend one was getting pretty low and was starting to drain from the other compartments to fill it.  SO I am hoping that with my new Tupperware friends this is the start of finding friends….OH MAN HOW SAD do I sound…I am really happy and LOVING every second of it here I really am! BUT I was just getting a tad lonely SO I won’t be walking down the street and say HI….Do you wanna be my friend…PHEW my girls will be happy about that as I am sure that I embarrass them enough already!

OK well today was a long day with Big E’s class we went to New Plymouth on a class trip and after my rowdy Tupperware party last night I am BEAT! Well I will blog more soon!

Thanks for reading!

Brownies, bum bags, pokeys and a Hangi!

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So gluten-free brownie update!  Hubby had to make his own brownies seeing as I had the tummy flu yesterday…Thank you Miss T! He is great baker and APPARENTLY makes his FAMOUS FUDGE!  We have been together for umm 12 years…no thirteen…married for 10 coming on 11 this June; WOW….any way the point is I have NEVER had his FAMOUS FUDGE!!! Hmmm we will have rectify this!!! Where was I going oh ya, he made his own brownies. SO when he hit the kitchen I hear…”this is a pigsty”…  Miss T was sick for a day, I was sick for a day, we had a busy weekend then I spent Monday in town doing errands and looking for gluten-free stuff EPIC fail….NOT cleaning the house…Tuesday was set for house cleaning/laundry day; which turned into…doing many loads of laundry that didn’t need to be done and were only done cause they were… well were met with an unfortunate incident ANY WHO!  When my girls are sick…I will snuggle them and sit with them rub their back and just generally HOVER over them! SO the rest of the house well didn’t get cleaned.  So when hubby went to make his brownies I heard….”its a pigsty in here!” and he set to clean it up! I don’t know why but I felt guilty that he had to do this, I think this is part of the woman syndrome that I can’t seem to get rid of.   I think I should be able to do it all, all the time.  I was sick and hubby didn’t care that I was sick  OR that he had to clean, he NOW however see’s what happens when I am truly doing nothing!  OK again I got side track OH LOOK a shiny thing let’s see it!! LIKE seriously I think I am HIGHLY functioning ADHD person!! LIKE WOW!  OK B R O W N I E S FOCUS!!!!They were AMAZING!!!! Like really really good AND the kitchen was spotless!! Well done HUBBY I LOVE YOU!!!! He doesn’t read my blog so this all for my readers LOL well I don’t think he reads my blog hmmm do I want him to read my blog….NO I don’t think I do he will just “correct” it! lol SEE ADHD  SOOooooo He took the brownies to work and they were a hit, BUT they did a taste test as there was someone else who brought brownies today so they did a taste off…Hubby lost out 2 votes to 3 poor hubby BUT him being the truly great guy he is; his weekend project is to make a Plaque for the winner…have I mentioned That I love this man!!!

SO today being the first day this week that was productive at home, I had 4 loads of laundry done, the dishes washed and the front patch of grass fertilized and seeded before 1130am!  The afternoon was spent raking and weeding the side patch of grass to get it ready to seed tomorrow; I worked on that from 12:30-til 230 then I went off to the girls school, picked up a few groceries from the Shop rite in town, came back home and worked on it again until 430, then after supper until 630ish when it became too dark to see!  SO I will get up early and finish it as I have coffee date at 10 am, with a lady and Lunch date with my wonderful Sis!!! I am excited about this both the “girl dates” and I am almost done 1/4 of the lawn!!!  We are also going to a Basketball game tomorrow evening! The girls are very excited about this as am I, Hubby probably not so much LOL!

So you can see that I mentioned I popped into the girls school, well for a few reasons, MAINLY to pay for their sports, both girls are going to try Net Ball…I THINK it’s like basketball BUT not….Big E is playing basketball as well as Field Hockey we are about to get busy! SO I had to pay for these and their Uniforms! WHILE I was at the school we get to chatting..IMAGINE IT!   ME Chatting phhhht NO!  Anyway, I have ummmm a bit of reputation at the school with the teachers…they like me as I am well honest when I have NO idea what they are talking about.  We had a meeting a while back, my first Parent link meeting and they were talking about Bum Bags…well I was clueless as to what on earth these could be SO I was giggling away to myself, all you could see what me shaking quietly when I asked…ummmmm What is a BUM BAG!?!??! We all had a good a laugh by that no one could speak for at least 5 minutes or more as we all roared with laughter….and they told be what it was…it’s a Fanny PACK essentially OOOOO OK!!!!! They didn’t use the words Fanny Pack But I did and they all HOWLED at me!!! Which I thought ok…THEN LATER I found out what I said OY VAY!!! NOT to be mentioned on a disney rated blog!!I will forever been known as the Bum Bag lady!!! YES I was actually refered to as this…Someone heard my accent and said OHHHHH you’re the bum bag lady!  SO The next meeting was this week all is going well….we STILL had a laugh over the Bum Bags…all is good I am not embarrassed about this all I think it’s hillarious…we make it to the END of the meeting  I am thinking great I made it to the end and I am NOT laughing because I have no idea whats going; and THEN one lady is now talking about Pokey’s and I am think what on EARTH are they talking about….The city wants more..we don’t need more…they are trying sneak them in…I am utterly confused… I am thinking that A pokey is a Jail…I DUNNO WHAT they are talking about…so again I am giggling to myself and they see me …..UMMM WHAT’S A Pokey….HEAPS of laughter again  they let me know its VLT!!!! OHHHH GOTCHA!! SO this is my reputation with the teachers we have a riot together its heaps of fun I love it!  SO when ever I visit the school office there is alway SOMETHING else that I need to ask them! Sports are paid for! DONE and dusted as they say!  SO of course I have more on my agenda then the sports! Yesterday the girls brought home a note about a Hangi…SO I had to ask what is Hangi….THEY all laughed and said oh my goodness I can’t even IMAGINE what you thought you were invited to!!! So they explained that is a Maori tradition of cooking food in a pit SO we are really looking forward to this now!!! I tell you though the ladies in the office see me coming and they know they are in for a good belly laugh before I done with my business…sometimes I just go there to ask them things that aren’t related to the school at all They are great ladies and they have helped me so much!!!

This weekend is will be more insulating, more weeding raking, I hope to have the lawn fertilized and seeded by Sunday night! Hubby will need a few more weekends to get the house insulated…poor man!  This Friday is the also the last day of the 1st term for the girls…which means they will have 2 weeks off, so we will have some major girl days ahead of us!  I am not entirely sure what we will do for 2 weeks BUT I am sure there is HEAPS that we can do to fill it up in no time at all! We will be going to Pukekera park http://www.pukekura.org.nz/  a few times I am sure! There is a lake near by that we wanna go see, and we will also take a drive to Stratford  http://www.newzealand.com/int/stratford/ and see the big clock there!  So we will have a great term break.

SO according to the schedule that we have for the weekend I don’t know if I will have a chance to make another blog entry before next week! SO have a great weekend and will blog again soon as I can!