Tag Archives: Adulting sucks

Caught between an Axe and a Chainsaw

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After living here in New Zealand for 4 years you would THINK that I would be used to being home sick.  NOPE Not even a tiny bit!   Our first year here was filled with so many exciting firsts it was hard to keep up!  Our new house, the girls new school, new foods, new treats, new cars NEW NEW NEW NEW.  But the one thing that I wasn’t prepared at all for was the new ache in my heart that would never go away.

We have experienced many firsts here in New Zealand;  it’s a culturally rich country.  I really enjoy learning about and discovering it’s rich history.  I love being here and experiencing all there is to offer.  I am a GEEK and we live IN the country that Lord of the Rings was FILMED. Eeeee. I can’t even believe it sometimes….I’ve been to the Shire insert crazy Happy Dance! AHHHHHMAYZING you seriously need to go if you come to New Zealand. The ocean is a 15 minute drive from our house as compared to the TWO DAY TREK Back home; we have the AMAZING Mount Taranaki IMGP8300IN my   back garden.  The scenery is breathtaking, lush and green all year-long (it rains a LOT) there are beautiful trees, flowers, birds, rivers and when you go tramping…aka hiking NOTHING can eat you!   BUT there is always going to be an ache in my heart for home. Now I  also have cause to believe that there will be an ache in my heart for New Zealand IF we were to move home.  Recently I have been calling this the caught between an Axe and a Chainsaw situation.

When ever there was a family event I was that member of the family you just knew was going to be there along with my own wee family, my Little Blonde girls and Hubby in tow.  We never missed an occasion to gather with my amazing Fam Jam!  Weddings, Anniversaries, Birthdays, Baby showers, BBQ’s, Family Reunions, Funerals, you name it I was there. Lending a hand doing anything I could to help, oh and lets not forget eating everything I could.  So being here brought yet another new thing to me, I missed these things.  The first major event I missed was my Grandparents anniversary, their 50th.  I was heartbroken.  Yes I was able to be carried around on a laptop via Skype; SO in a sense I was there; teee heee hee I freaked out some of the oldies not up on technology.  It was funny, but it hurt not being able to physically be there.  This was just beginning of the things I would miss out on.  BUT it’s all part of being over seas.  Being away from your home, this was my choice and ironically I would choose to do it again.

Now I am an only child so when the decision to move here was made I have to say that I broke my poor Fathers heart!  He didn’t speak to me for a few weeks, now for a girl who called  home almost every day this was HUGE. I would call home and talk to my Momma and ask if was Dad was there…”Yup” She would say….Does he wanna talk “Nope”  gahhhhh I felt AWFUL!  I had been warning my parents this was coming for years but I don’t think that they realised I would actually do it.  BUT surprise I did.  They raised me to follow my heart and go for what I wanted….I don’t think they were fully prepared for what was going to happen; neither was I truthfully!

Now on the only child note I was so scared that something would eventually happen to my parents so I made a call to my amazing cousin to ask her to be my goto girl if something happened.  NOW I was thinking that in like 20 years I would have to use this OR maybe 10-15at the earliest. BUT NOPE 2 years after moving here my Mom suddenly took ill and was gone in a matter of days.  I had to make that call, and my girl was packed and IN the car with in Minutes for me!  This was devastation like I have never experienced in my life.  This SUCKED!  I was on the other side of the world and had to get home NOW!  And NOW means the quickest I could get home was 29 hours… I made it back in time to say Goodbye but my lord that was a hard few weeks.  Plane rides, jettlag funerals all in two weeks, that felt more like 48 hours; and I found a strength I had NO idea I had….I will blog more about this soon.

Since then so much has changed back home, Aunties having strokes, grandparents going into homes.  My Dad had a quadruple bypass shortly after Mom died….SHIT GOT REAL! ALL of which I had to MISS! Now who truly wants to be around for things like that anyway…ME;  I do. It’s weird I know but I LIKE to be there for stuff like that, BUT I had to be here.  Not offer any real support, cook the food, pour the tea, pace the halls, pack the boxes…I wasn’t able to help the people in my life who really needed me.  Was I a text on a screen YES at any hour of the day…BUT for me It was and IS truly AWFUL! See what I mean Axe and a Chainsaw.

Newest and latest development…my Dad; Yup Mr Quadruple bypass has Cancer…as he puts it ASS Cancer.  This will give him material for his toilet humor for YEARS!! Anyway…Stage 3 Colon cancer….god that’s hard to even type. He’s started treatments…and I am here. On the other side of the world. YES I am a text message/phone call away THANK GAWD for technology that’s all I have to say!  Yes; get on a plane and go home…I am; but it’s not that simple.  He’s in for a long road of treatment, so I can’t just go home for all of  it; as much as I want to I simply can’t.  SO I am going home for the surgery, and staying to help after with the recovery…see axe and a chainsaw.  I wanted to be home for it all…BUT it’s about 4-5 months of treatments. I have Those young Blonde girls who need me here….Adulting SUCKS!  {Please don’t judge my parenting… I am a wonderful mom and have and will continue to do everything I can for my girls}

This week has been particularly difficult, I don’t know if it’s Mother’s Day looming, the full moon, OR the rain…Have I mentioned that it rains a lot.  BUT I was so ready to just pack everything into suitcases and move home. Being here SUCKS sometimes it really truly SUCKS.  BUT I have to sit back AND…BREATH….in AND out….IN and OUT…and really LOOK at what’s happening.  Do I love New Zealand? Yes!!!! Did I want to move back, before I knew about Dad’s cancer?  NO!  As a matter of fact we discussed that very topic not long before we found out and said “we will probably never move home” BUT add some Cancer VOILA lets PACK OUR SHIT and get the F on a plane….NO NO AND NO!  I can’t do that.  Sometimes I can be a sane person…NOT often that’s where my Hubby comes in he is the calm rational one.

I am HOME ….Here?YUP it’s true…New Zealand is the new HOME!  I even referred to here as HOME in a text to my Dad the other day and freaked my self out!!! I litterally FOUND ME in New Zealand; I remember getting off the plane, and feeling a HUGE surge of energy rush through me into the ground when we landed.  I knew I was home! I knew I had come to where my soul needed to be.  I remember telling my Mom that on the phone shortly after arriving she was heartbroken all over again.  I moved to New Zealand to become my TRUE self.  I am still on a journey and sometimes everyday I turn about 70 new corners, but with each new twist and turn I uncover a new and wonderful piece of myself.  I LOVE where I live, I miss where I grew my roots, but I now have a new HOME and it’s New Zealand…sigh….Bitter Sweetness in it’s truest from…Adulting is hard!

Sooooo now we know the new saying Caught between an Axe and a Chainsaw; ’cause rock and a hard place just doesn’t cut it!

Love ya Peeps

Crystal